


Don't come near me, you'll be unhappy

by tomorrowfics



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depressed Min Yoongi | Suga, Hurt Min Yoongi | Suga, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Sad Min Yoongi | Suga, Sad Park Jimin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 10:44:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14079180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomorrowfics/pseuds/tomorrowfics
Summary: Jimin loves Yoongi.Yoongi wants to love Jimin back.





	Don't come near me, you'll be unhappy

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: If presence of mental illness and mentions of self harm in a story trigger you or make you uneasy, don't read on.
> 
> If heavy angst is what you came for... here you go I guess. 
> 
> Horizontal lines represent time skip.  
> (I apologize for grammar mistakes)

 

Yoongi's love story could be pretty simple.

_Falling in love with the new transfer student..._

It could be practically a scenario for a high school drama.

_But hell no._

 

Because Yoongi never had it simple.

 

“Hey, I’m Jimin” said the cute new guy while they were shaking hands. Jimin’s hand was so small in Yoongi’s. He swore that his own palm was probably just as big as Jimin’s whole hand.

It was actually pretty funny.

And not only his hands; everything about Jimin was cute. The way his wide smile hid away his eyes. His fluffy cheeks and his messy blondish hair. His vanilla-like scent.They way he leaned on people when he laughed. His focused, hardworking attitude, rushing towards the solution of every problem ahead. They way he sang... so full of pride and beauty.

Damn, if Yoongi wouldn’t feel unconvinced about heaven, Jimin would indeed be an angel for him.

* * *

 

 

Should Yoongi try harder? He would, if he would only have something to try for.

That’s what he was thinking when he was sitting at the dark, narrow street. Tears he used to cry had already disappeared, somewhere along with his sadness. He wasn’t sad, he was just numb, he was empty, he was absolutely nothing. Just like the patterns the tears left on his cheeks, only visible in sunlight.

But he never tried that hard. He just went along with whatever came towards him, somehow making it past it.

And maybe he should have cared when his parents yelled at him to _get his shit together_ and do his schoolwork. But he didn’t care. At some point Yoongi cared about nothing, nothing at all. Yoong’s plate was full, but everything on it was a poison to him.

 

**_It's really a bitch to not have something you want to do_ **

**_I know it seems pathetic not to have a dream like every one_ **

****

That’s why Yoongi was sitting on an empty street in first place. He was so sick of shouting of his parents, he was so tired of listening to the words he has heard countless of times, over and over again. Because he never changed anything

And they said he was lazy? They said he was just full of self-pity? Yoongi didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so he stayed quiet. And after a while, the silence became too loud, so he screamed. He screamed because he wanted to do something remarkable, but he lost the need to dream. He screamed and the walls echoed with silence back.

 

**_'Everything is going to be alright if you go to university and do as we tell you'_ **

**_I believed in those words_ **

**_but I'm living because I can't die_ **

 

And Yoongi laughed, because he was so fucking crazy.

* * *

 

 

Yoongi was drunk.

He knew it was unwise, but it felt a way too good. He felt energetic without wearing a mask. He felt joyful without lying into everyone’s faces.

But it was just a feeling. Because he forgot that he was fake. It was nothing but a one night dream.

Because Yoong was with his friend and a ton of people he didn’t know. And he was dancing and they were dancing. And suddenly, there wasn’t him and them anymore they were all just one , all together. After the longest time, Yoongi actually felt a sort of belonging, connection with other human beings.

And Yoongi danced. And Jimin danced too. And suddenly, there was no crowd anymore;

It was only him and Jimin.

And Yoongi didn’t even know how did it happen or when- all he knew was that all suddenly Jimin’s lips were on his and he was kissing him like there was nothing else, like the space was only made for the two of them, making everything else nonexistent.

And there were Jimin’s lips on his neck and on his collarbone, whispering nothing yet everything into his ear. And there were his hands on his back and on his chest and everywhere, everywhere, _everywhere._

And Yoongi didn’t think of anything expect of Jimin, because for this little time, for this moments that were infinite at last for one night. Yoongi later wandered if it was Jimin or alcohol that made him so senseless.

He secretly hoped it was the first.

* * *

 

 

Yoongi was leaning onto a balcony at 1am. He was quietly smoking his third cigarette at that day.

 

**_I'm in so much pain and loneliness but people around me keep telling me to regain my consciousness_ **

**_Yeah, fuck, I live because I can't die_ **

 

Moonlight illuminated his pale skin and dark eyes as he breathed in the smoke that was poison, with his gaze fixed onto the stars. He felt the familiar warmness on his lips, warmness that could never be made by other lips on his. Not ever again. It was always just cigarettes.

He felt the already knowing feeling of his chest crashing together as it filled with smoke, even when he breathed out.

He didn’t even notice the door behind opening as Jimin stepped onto the balcony.

“I…uh, I didn’t know that you smoked Yoongi.”

Yoongi didn’t even need to turn to see Jimin’s small, _small_ frame wrapped into a loose hoodie, making him crazily adorable.

 

The world really was full of contrasts.

“Well, now you know”, said Yoongi. His gaze never left the stars.

* * *

 

 

One more time, Yoongi was drunk. The only difference was that this time, he was totally alone.

 

 ** _I_** **_don't mind the brand, it might be a luxury for a person with no job to have a drink_**

 

His head was spinning, but he was already used to it.

How much more days? Yoongi wandered.

 

And maybe he wasn’t a bad person, because God, he never wished to be like this. Yoongi was just sick, sick, so goddamn sick in a way that was invisible to all other people. But still he was here, unable to breathe, unable to open his eyes without wanting to suffocate.

Yoongi had no practical reason to be ruined the way he was ruined. There was no specific traumatic event in his life that could make him this way. Because Yoongi wasn’t upset and he wasn’t heartbroken, he never had a heart in first place.

 

Yoongi really wanted to die, but he couldn’t die yet, at last not tonight.

 

He didn’t even know when he started crying. And Yoongi never cried anymore, expect when he was drunk. Consequently, he was drunk many times recently. Because he was finally at last a bit emotional which he always craved because of all the emptiness he felt.

 

**_I can't stand being sober_ **

****

He wandered; if he wouldn’t be like this, would he love Jimin? He didn’t want to know the answer.

 

And maybe, just maybe, Jimin was this small, little thing that kept Yoongi in this world. Because Jimin was the only good thing Yoongi has ever found in this world.

Yoongi leaned his head against the door of his small apartment which he probably wouldn’t be able to stay in for much longer. And Yoongi cried, because he couldn’t even afford a place to stay with his writing, which was the only thing he was good at. He cried, because he wanted to go back in time and never meet Jimin, but hell, he couldn’t do that.

 

He just didn’t want to ruin him. Because someone as beautiful and kind as Jimin didn’t deserve to be wrecked by someone like Yoongi.

 

And by this point Yoongi thought, _if this was a story everyone would think that I’m in love with Jimin._

And Yoongi desperately wanted it to be true. He tried all he could to love Jimin, so why wasn’t his heart cooperating? Because if he could love Jimin, he could become a happy person. And maybe he could make Jimin happy, just as much. But it was just a dream, a dream to be forgotten.

 

Because Yoongi knew better. A heart withering from within couldn’t give love to someone else.

Yoongi didn’t know what he was waiting for. For his sickness to overpower his wish not to hurt Jimin?

 

The only thing Yoongi could hear were pathetic sounds of choking on his own sobs.

 

**_Everyone is running, but why am I still here-_ **

**_Everyone is running, but why am I still here?_ **

* * *

 

 

"Why would you do this hyung?"

Yoongi looked at his arms, full of scars and fresh new wounds. And really, why would he do that?

"You could just told me, I could help you if you were so sad-"

Yoongi violently slammed his hands on the table they were sitting by.

 

**_I try to vent my anger, but I only got myself, so what's the point of venting my anger?_ **

 

"Fuck Jimin, I'm not fucking sad", he yelled. "I want to be sad, I would love to sad, I would simply adore to be anything then an sick, empty shell that I am! Because I never asked to be fucked up without any appparent reason, I never asked to look fucking happy when I am not and I didn't want to be this way, but I still am okay? I want to be happy, I want to be strong I want to be fucking different, but I just can't be! And I want to do _something,_ but, but..."

Yoongi didn't even know how his angry words suddenly turned into sobbing. Somehow, he found himself kneeling on the ground with Jimin hugging him tightly.

 

And it felt so so warm. The way Jimin embraced him like he wanted to protect him from the fateless world.

"Stop. Stop hugging me", Yoongi mumbled into Jimin's arm.

_I don't deserve this._

"Never", whispered Jimin, pullling him even closer. With that, Yoongi started crying even more.

"Jimin I, I...", he looked up to meet younger's eyes.

"Jimin, I have bipolar disorder. And...and it's not really getting better, you know?"

 

 

**_I'm scared to open my eyes everyday and start breathing_ **

 

They continued hugging.

"Jiminie... You know that I won't stay here much longer, right?", said Yoongi, his voice barely more than a whisper.

 

 

And with that words, it was Jimin's turn to cry.

* * *

 

 

"Jimin, let go of my fucking hand."

"No."

"Jimin, I'm gonna miss the train. I'm serious, let go of me", continued Yoongi.

They were at the train station. Yoongi had no a idea how did Jimin found out that he was planning to go on a trip, but somehow the younger was here anyways.

"No...", said Jimin.

Yoongi looked at the younger, who's eyes were already watering. He sighed.

"Uh, don't cry _pabo_. I'll come back, okay?"

 

_Liar liar liar_

 

Jimin looked at him. His eyes were still teary, but the anger behind them was pretty obvious.

"No Yoongi. I know it all. If I let go of your hand right now I'm not going to see you, not ever again. You'll go away, you'll leave me behind, like I never even existed, isn't it so?" And with those words, Jimin's tears finally made their way down his cheeks. And Jimin cried and cried and cried, but he never let go of Yoongi's hand.

 _'Oh Jimin', thought Yoongi. 'Why would someone like you fall in love with someone like me?'_ The world was so wrong.

Yoongi moved closer to Jimin, hugging him lightly and in that moment he really didn't care for all the people looking at them strangely.

"Yoongi"...said Jimin into his chest. "Have you ever loved me?"

 

_No._

_Yes._

_Maybe._

_I have never loved you._

_I will always love you._

_I don't know._

_Idon'tknowIdon'tknowIdon'tknowIdon'tknowIdon'tknowIdon'tknowIdon'tknowIdon'tknow_

 

Yoongi never replied.

* * *

 

 

After a long train and ferry ride, Yoongi was finally on Jeju.

He spent on it all the money he had left, plus savings from the last two months.

 

**_It feels like I'm all by myself, I hope everything disappears when I'm alone_ **

**_I hope thing disappear like mirage, I hope things disappear, I hope my damn self disappears_ **

 

And here he was, on the edge of the beautiful seaside cliffs.  _Finally,_ after such a long time, he felt calm. There was no storm, no conflict raging inside of him. There was no mask he had to wear there was no lie, he would have to repeat all over again. He closed his eyes and inhaled the warm summer air, filled with the smell of the sea. He exhaled and opened his eyes again, looking the beautifully dark sea, illuminated only by moonlight. Lowering his gaze down he saw the wild waves covering black, sharp rocks, meters and meters beneath him.

****__  
  


**_I'm abandoned like this in the world, in this moment I'm drifting away from the sky_ **

**_I'm falling_ **

 

Yoongi looked at the sky for one last time. Soon, he would be one of the stars, covered with the dark clouds.

 

He smiled.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own the lyrics of SO FAR AWAY (duh). Translation taken from: ( https://www.kpopviral.com/lyrics/bangtan-boys-suga-bts-so-far-away-lyrics-english-romanized-translation.html )  
> Feedback is very much appreciated^^  
> Thank you for reading


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